How I came to AP - a guest post from The bearded man. An ex-marine/cage fighter. Father of 3 humans, 3 cats, a dog and a bunny who suffers from extreme nursing envy with a new blog coming soon, Wendt and gone crazy, a SAHD story

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How I discovered attachment parenting..after doing it for 20 years.

When my first daughter was born almost 23 years ago I knew nothing about parenting or that there were different ways to parent. My only parenting models were my mother, aunt and some of my mother’s friends. One of her friends let me help after her third baby was born and I learned the most from that experience. Watching her I learned to snack while you nurse the baby and make meals ahead and freeze them for later. Thankfully my oldest was easy and latched from the beginning and we shared a bed for the first few years of her life. I only breastfed her for a year because I didn’t know any better. Looking back I would have liked to continue breastfeeding her until she was ready to wean. With her I followed my instincts and breastfeeding and bed sharing just came naturally.

Then came my second daughter 5 years later, this time I knew more but wasn’t prepared for how high needs my daughter would be. It was a struggle to breastfeed and I had zero support. No lactation consultant, no supportive friends with babies, and our pediatrician was an asshole. After struggling for 7 weeks we figured out what worked best for us. Again breastfeeding on demand, bed sharing, baby wearing with her was a life saver, and following her lead with EVERYTHING. She was and still is very strong willed as a teenager. She breastfed for almost 4 years and self weaned. If I had had the support that is available to me now it would have made a world of difference. With her I was pressured into letting her CIO at 7 months and I wish so bad that I had known better.

Fast forward 11 years to my youngest daughter and I knew before she was born that I was going to breastfeed and she would sleep with us. She had delayed vaccines and weaned when her and I were both ready at around 2 years old. My husband and I were both able to be at home with her for the first few months and this created a very close family dynamic I hadn’t experienced before. With her I was able to be a SAHM for the first time where it was just her and I during the day. It was amazing and since she was a very bad sleeper it was a blessing. Being older when I had her was an advantage and made a huge difference in how I was able to be gentle and patient while following her lead. Again I didn’t have the support I have now, didn’t even know it was out there. And still had never heard of attachment parenting. That was 7 years ago.

Then 3 years ago when Jack was 13 months old I stumbled on to a facebook page called The Progressive Parent and it was a whole new world. She talked about breastfeeding, circumcision, vaccines and attachment parenting. And my page AP247 was born and I read everything I could about AP, gentle discipline, keeping your boys intact, and vaccines. There is so much information about everything. And figuring out that other people did things the same way I did was huge for me. Growing my page organically has surrounded me with like minded parents who are kind, knowlegble and always willing to offer gentle advice when someone asks for help.

Attachment parenting can look different for every family but I believe it all begins with falling in love with your child and respecting them as the person they are. I have heard AP called extreme but it feels like the most natural way to raise your children.

Mad nursing

Jack and I are having a rough day. He's tired and cranky, I'm frustrated and losing my patience with him. But at the end of the tantrum he still wants/needs his boob. So we nurse even though our emotions haven't really calmed down and we both are still upset with each other. This is something that I will miss when he weans, the comfort it brings both of us to reconnect after a misunderstanding. Again extended breastfeeding for the win. 

AP and teen depression

This is an important issue and it's going to be hard to write this as we are currently going through this with one of our teenagers. There is so much information about teen depression and suicide out there it can be overwhelming. Is my teen depressed? Are they just being a normal teenager? How do I tell the difference? Is this my fault? What do I do now? And then that awful feeling that you thought you did everything right or you know you didn't and realize that at some point you have failed your child and let them down. Please remember that teenage depression can be a chemical imbalance and instead of feeling guilty or responsible (even if you are) the most important thing you can do is GET HELP for your teen.If you think they are suicidal call immediately The people that answer the hotlines are trained and very helpful in a crisis situation.
http://www.teenhealthandwellness.com/static/hotlines#Suicide

Teens and preteens can be very moody and emotional by nature. They can be hostile, angry, selfish, sweet, loving, helpful all in the same 10 minutes. Especially in my experience with pre teen girls. You will wish they were still cute squishy babies or fun toddlers, there will be times you wonder where the sweet child who used to cuddle you went and who is this person screaming they hate me all the time. Some parents will be in complete denial that this can happen to their child, this was me. I took for granted that my teenager was a happy, well adjusted, honor roll student who had always rolled with the punches life threw at her. It wasn't until we took her in for a constant stomach ache that we figured out she was depressed. I failed to notice the sadness, weight loss and inability to enjoy simple things she used to love. And we are super close and talk about everything and have always been able to overcome anything. It helped her so much having our doctor explain what was going on in her brain and that it was a chemical issue not something she did wrong or could have prevented (I somewhat disagree with this). Our issue was too much stress and her brain not being able to keep up with all the pressure she was under from school, friends, family and just life in general. She has had several friends that have been suicidal and had one close friend that committed suicide. This person had been a mentor to her and I have no doubt that her death set in motion what would eventually cause her depression. If I could go back we would have gotten her into therapy right after that happened.

Emotions during the preteen/ teenage years are so strong and just like when they are toddlers they may not know how to handle such strong emotions/feelings. Super highs and lows are completely normal and most teenagers are able to deal with these. Then there are the teenagers who cannot handle the strong emotions and pressures of life under even the best circumstances. If your family is going through a serious life change such as divorce, new baby, death in the family, financial struggles, a big move you may want to keep a closer eye on your child for signs they are feeling overwhelmed and stressed. This is why I love attachment parenting and the bond it creates, my teen and I are close and she knows that her needs and feelings will be my biggest priority. If you have shown them they are a priority and you are willing to always be there for them (which I have failed at many times) the bond you have will hopefully help you both through this hard time. As we struggle through this daily I am learning what things I can help her and how to handle the times when she just breaks down and feels hopeless. This is the hardest for me to watch, her struggle to see there is a light at the end of the dark tunnel she's in. I've spent countless hours at night trying to figure out things I can do to just help her and the best way I've found is to keep her life as simple as possible. Basic things have become the most important things. Eating, sleeping (at appropriate times) and getting her homework done are the things we are taking one at a time. Eating has become a chore for her and this is normal for a teen who is depressed. http://www.adaa.org/understanding-anxiety/related-illnesses/eating-disorders.

Keeping a food journal and helping them prepare meals and snacks can encourage healthy eating habits to continue. As with any other stressful time in life knowing they aren't at fault and encouraging positive outlets for energy should always be important. Exercise, sports, social activities should continue and be encouraged.

Getting help for your teen should be immediate and continue as long as needed. If you need help knowing what kind of help their pediatrician should be able to help with that. Whether it's therapy, counseling or a support group having an outside person to talk to can really help during this difficult time. For you as well, it's important for the parent/caregiver to have support and someone to talk to. https://www.facebook.com/parentingchildrenandteenswithanxiety

Here are some signs to watch for in your teen that they may be depressed. Please always seek medical advice if you are concerned that your teen is depressed.

• Sadness or hopelessness
• Irritability, anger, or hostility
• Tearfulness and/or frequent crying
• Withdrawal from friends and family
• Loss of interest in activities
• Changes in eating and sleeping habits

• Restlessness and agitation
• Feelings of worthlessness and guilt
• Lack of enthusiasm and motivation
• Fatigue or lack of energy
• Difficulty concentrating
• Thoughts of death or suicide 
  

Self care is the best care.

The past few days I have received so many messages from tired, overwhelmed and exhausted mamas. All of them with tired babies and suffering from a lack of sleep and a break from their baby. I fall into this situation often and am learning the best way to stay the calm gentle mama I want to be. That being said I don't always keep my cool and let's be honest attachment parenting isn't the easiest parenting style and it can leave you exhausted and with little or no breaks from your children. My page is called AP 24/7 for a reason. But there is something I am learning and it's helped me so much the past few months SELF CARE!!!!!!!

Self care is so much easier said than done, I used to laugh when other mamas would tell me to take some time for myself. When would I do this? I can't leave the room for 5 seconds without chaos breaking out. BUT I have learned that if the kids are in a safe space it's OKAY to walk away for a few minutes and collect your thoughts and just breathe. This looks different for all of us and can be anything from 30 seconds in the bathroom alone with chocolate (I've done this) to letting them get crazy while you catch up with a friend on the phone for 30 minutes. Letting go is my biggest struggle, what if the house gets really messy, what if they cry? what if they fight? I could go on and on..I see things all the time that list off things to do to take a break and they usually look like this.

The best way I've found is to have an emergency stash of chocolate and wine. No joke a tiny sip of wine with a piece of chocolate can get me through several hours of being alone with the kids. The other thing I wish someone had told me is that walking away from a crying baby is okay, it's not the same as leaving them to cry it out. A screaming baby can drive the most gentle person to crazytown in about 10-15 minutes. Find a safe place (crib or play and pack) give baby a kiss and go take a minute to calm down and just regroup. After you are calm go back and give your renewed self to taking care of your baby. Then make a self care plan for yourself. Whatever it looks like for you is alright. Make it special and something you know will be there to help you in tough moments. I always keep my headphones close by with a calm playlist that I love ready to go. Music always helps my kids calm down and can save a really bad moment from becoming any worse. And last of all find your support. Here are some great pages that support attachment parenting.

https://www.facebook.com/TheBadassBreastfeeder?fref=tshttps://www.facebook.com/TheLeakyBoob?fref=tshttps://www.facebook.com/Greenchildmagazine?fref=tshttps://www.facebook.com/groups/359492827486409/?bookmark_t=grouphttps://www.facebook.com/groups/659572897417674/?bookmark_t=group