my first birth story

It's hard to believe that it's been 20 years since my first child was born. She was an easy pregnancy and I am glad since I was young and wouldn't have been able to handle a difficult pregnancy. But my labor with her was so hard and lasted so long, almost 36 hours of back labor. Thanks to my mom who never left my side (and reminds me to this day that it was the most tired she's ever been) my birth experience was amazing! There was pain, crying and a lot of frustration because I wanted an epidural and was never able to get one. So the pain was intense but having a natural birth experience was unreal and something I'm glad I experienced. She came out weighing almost 9lbs and was just gorgeous (still is) and happy! She took right to breastfeeding and we co slept until she was 4. I didn't know about attachment parenting then but my instincts knew what was best for both of us. I still believe that those years we bonded so closely have helped us through some rough teenage years and beyond..she recently moved out of state to go to school and we talk several times a day and remain super close. 

crazy mama

For the past 23 days someone in my house has been sick, started with me and spread to my 3 kids at home. With my little ones not sleeping well and me being sick to say I feel crazy is an understatement. My eyes hurt, my brain hurts along with my body from pure exhaustion. I cringe at the sound of someone coughing and most of my furniture is covered in baby snot. We have made trips to the doctor and pharmacy and spent a fortune on the basics like tylenol and tissue. But the thing that has made me the most crazy is not being able to make my babies feel better, yes I know this is part of life but it breaks my heart when they are miserable. I will probably not take for granted them being healthy for at least a week or two..

a little about me

There are many words to describe me, most of them probably not very nice ( I will write more on that another time). But the word that I hope most think of when they hear my name is mom. I have been a mom for 20 years now, not always a good one, I'm sure I could have won "crappy mom of the year" multiple times. At least that's what my older kids have told me on many occasions. My children are 20, 15, 4, and 16 months. My stepchildren are 19 and 14, and while I do consider them my kids they live so far away I feel that they would be offended if they thought that? With so many kids my life is a little chaotic but at the same time not that bad. My 20 year old lives out of state and is in school, my 15 year old lives with her dad during the week ( a hard choice) and is here every day she isn't in school and my 2 babies are with me 24/7. I love being a mom and this time around it has been really great because my husband is a very loving, caring father. He comes home and plays with them and just loves on them, it makes me so grateful. Both times I have had little ones I have had a childcare in my home so that I can be at home with mine and still bring home some income. This time my childcare is focused on children with special needs. It's been great and challenging all at the same time. My 4 year old has SPD/SID (sensory processing disorder) which I will write about in another blog, but it has inspired me to love on little ones with speech delays and sensory issues. So I watch 4 other toddlers monday- friday while getting my daughter to her appointments, not always easy but so worth it. And then my youngest, my sweet sweet love jack. I waited for a boy forever and he is everything and more! He is the love of my life ( no offense babe) and was worth the wait and all the pain his pregnancy brought (another blog about that soon). He and I have been on this journey for 16 months and it's exhausting but there is so much love and joy it's overwhelming at times. So this is a little about my crazy life, there is so much more and I will be sharing it soon. 

the fear

I have a almost 5 year old with SPD (sensory processing disorder), it affects her ability to tolerate different sensory inputs. Things such as wearing pants, socks, long sleeves, brushing hair, brushing teeth, and on and on..The biggest issue we have with her is sleep, on a good night she sleeps 6-8 hours. but on a bad night she only sleeps 4-6. Now this can go two ways, she falls asleep around 8pm and wakes up at 2am and is up all night. The other option is her falling asleep around 5pm and sleeping for a few hours and then being up until 4am  Either of these situations suck and we FEAR them happening everyday. This FEAR comes from hundreds of sleepless nights in the past 4 years. You might think I'm exaggerating but sadly I'm not, for 3 years I could count the number of nights I actually had uninterrupted sleep on 1 hand. Thankfully now it's closer to 50 nights. But because of the loss of sleep and possibility of lost sleep always hanging over our heads I have the fear! Okay here is the other thing, I love my husband but he has lost little sleep because of our daughter. I have taken one for the team as far as sleep goes in our family. He is a great support to me and patient when I get a little crazy from lack of sleep.So last week was Valentine's Day and our church was hosting a drop your kids off and go on a date night. Great idea right, not for us and I had to explain to multiple people why we would not participate. Trying to explain THE FEAR to someone who hasn't had a child with a sleep disorder is a lost cause. Why wouldn't we want a break you might wonder? We need a break that's for sure, but at what cost? We try  to NEVER take our kids out after 5pm unless it's an emergency. Again this may seem extreme to some people and downright ridiculous to other. Anyways trying to explain this multiple times this week has left me frustrated and just pissed off at people for making me feel like a crappy wife for not making the most of a free babysitter! Hello I have 3 teenage daughters and free babysitting whenever I feel the need without dragging my little one's out. Consider rant over now!                                                                                                                                        

Booby eyes

Love these little peek a boo looks while he is nursing

booby sick

As this week starts we are sick again..I have a small childcare in my home so sickness seems to always be present in some form. But the past few weeks it's me that has been sick with of all things mastitis. Its such a non threatening word but brings such misery and PAIN!! Oh my poor boobies have been through the ringer the past month! I want to cry every time he wants to nurse but have been powering through because I know its what we both need. All the people who have told me to wean him can kiss my ass (except my mom) he is not ready! He is my last baby and even though I've spent something like almost 8 years of my life breastfeeding my babies I'm just not ready to stop yet and he certainly is not! I truly believe in child led weaning and will wait until he is ready and yes that means he's 7 then that's what will happen..